Coup, Me?
As I sit here, sipping on coffee, wearing the fuzziest pair of pjs known to man, and listening the wind create ice-cicles mid-air, I am reminded of the many things that keep me warm: the chicken set to boil for tonight's dumplins, a snuggle-hug from my children, a picture of Mike Rowe from "Dirty Jobs". And, right now, this space bar that keeps sticking leaving me to backspace-backspace-space bar-space bar-space bar, is heating me up, too, but not the good kinda warmth. No, buddy, this kind of heat requires forgiveness for grumblings catapulting this blog from a G to PG-13 rating. How is it, my son can't hear me calling him to put up his clothes, yet he can hear me mutter-grump from two rooms away?
Yaknow, when the cold leaves me snuggling and in need of hibernation, I dream of snow. I can't help it. Its in my veins. Perhaps, because I was born in Alaska, or because I think clearer when its cold. And, equally important, cold encourages warm ovens! Happily, the best way to warm up an oven and a home, is to bake cookies and breads, right? And, heroically, cold's baggy sweaters camouflages the evidence of a winter baking spree while simultaneously--and lovingly--protecting me from those fashionable skinny jeans.
So, you won't find me complaining about the cold. And, seriously, even though its been about a gazillion years (yeah, really) since I lived there, cold in Virginia is NOT Alaska cold. Unless you drive around with emergency gear--like blankets, water, and extra winter clothes in your trunk--then you're not really cold, right?
Aside for all the conventional means of keeping warm, my new favorite heat generator is thoughts of power. Nope, I don't mean the electric bill. And, its not the Amish heater, that looks so darn, adorable, either. I mean, straight up P-P-Power. So famous I can commit any crime and still live life cushy and carefree. Yeah, chicadee, THAT kind of power. K, maybe I'm exaggerating a smidge?
All this free time fending off cold, despite my obvious appreciation, has left me brainstorming. What would I do, if I had immense power-- beyond the power to regulate my household and the minds within (shhhh!! don't' tell the hubby, he thinks HE'S in charge)... Let's see, how should I present these magnificent plans? How 'bout willy nilly, yaknow, my usual approach?
K, here goes. Melinda's Reign of Power, Rules and Regulations:
1. Rule: Snowmen in every yard. Every resident must make a snowman. For those unable to construct a snowman, neighbors can determine the reason for lack of jolly participation. Is the neighbor a "party pooper"? If so, snowballs my be thrown at will, towards the pooper's house. If the reason is legit, like a motorized scooter wouldn't work in the snow, building a snowman for the neighbor, will be mandatory. Have you ever seen anyone upset while making a snowman? The crime rate would plummet!!
2. Rule: Card a woman buying alcohol around the holidays. If the lady is obviously past 21 and clearly not yet a medicare recipient--card her, card her, card her!!
3. Rule: When driving past, or walking past a construction sight, men must say "Hubba-hubba!" Not in the scared to be caught alone with you kinda way, but the "Hey there pretty lady" Jerry Lewis kinda way.
4. Rule: Buying clothes for Sweeties and Honey's for the holidays must be handled with care. Too small of an item, will leave the gift recipient feeling "fat". Too big, will leave the gift recipient wondering who in the world you actually bought the gift for.. Hold up, forget that slippery slope. Just don't buy clothes as gifts.
5. Rule: When someone nods, gesturing a friendly "hello', you must say hello, too, wave or nod. Even if wearing a neck brace. No room for rudeness.
6. Rule: When ordering drive-thru, all meals must be individually bagged by restaurant. Stuffing all combos together, leaves folks counting items, thus slowing the line, creating aggravation in the vehicle and out. In addition, when ordering two kid's meals, the toys must be different. And the girl's kid's meal, must not contain make-up.
7. Rule: Shades, curtains, windows coverings must be in use. I don't want to see you walking around half-naked. (Unless you're Mike Rowe. k, that was inappropriate. I'm almost sorry for saying that!!) Conversely you don't want to see me pressed up against the glass, trying to see your newly arranged furniture, or whether or not, you're really thin or just sucking it all in, like the rest of us.
8. Rule: If a rainbow appears in the sky, its an automatic day off work. Its a impromptu holiday. Go play!!
9. Rule: If one is a grumpy pants and mad at the world, one must log roll down a grassy hill. And yell, "Weeeeeeeeee!!!!" repeatedly, until you remember your blessings. And if you discover you really don't have any, come here and lemme give you a hug!
10. Rule: If one is the victim of a grumpy pants, you can say, "Na-na-na-na, phoo phoo, stick your head in doo doooooo!" without fear of retribution. If on the job, you may not get fired or demoted for this outbrust. Instead it must be viewed as an acceptable stress reliever.
11. Rule: While standing in a slow moving line, customers must burst into song. If its July, a song reflecting our nation's independence. If its February, Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself for Loving You." Those not joining in the chorus, must be shooed to back of the line.
So, thats it. The cold has inspired my mischievous side. So, what does the cold do for you? Are you ready for Spring? I'm not. Its just too fun to snuggle and dream up ways to control those around me. I mean, pretend, I RULE! 'Cause as Tom Petty says, "Its Good to Be King!" (er, uh, Queen?)
Later tater tots.
Melinda
Posted by Mama Bear at 1/3/2010 12:05 PM 
Categories: I Was Thinkin'
Tags: rules of the world if i were king tag me you're it melinda has lost mind-its official Getting Dirty with Mike Rowe
Categories: I Was Thinkin'
Tags: rules of the world if i were king tag me you're it melinda has lost mind-its official Getting Dirty with Mike Rowe
ROFLMHO!
I'd like to add: When it's THIS cold outside, a big fluffy robe and thick fuzzy socks are mandatory attire even in public!
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yeehaw, why not??
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Our most recent "coldbuster" is hot chocolate, with a teaspoon of instant coffee, a dollop of whipped cream, and mini chocolate chips. We call it our own "starbucks" fru-fru hot chocolate, for way cheap. That with a warm chocolate chip cookie, a quilt made by yours truly and The Princess Bride...well, we are SET for a cozy evening at home. Or an afternoon, or even a morning! Hey, there's coffee in it! That's a morning drink if I ever saw one!!
I do not miss the Alaska winters, AT ALL! We get plenty of cold weather here in the Windy City (wind chill is at -9 today). I especially don't miss the darkness ALL WINTER!
But the summers....ah, I could do zero humidity and 75 degrees all year!
I loved your list! The rule of carding all women reminded me of something...once when I was writing a check at a grocery store, the guy asked for my license...so I thanked him for carding me (one does that when it's been 10 years or more since being carded). Well, he proceeded to compare my address, ask about if that's my phone number, blah, blah, blah. I was so sad...and embarrassed. Got the heck outta there in a hurry. So, I am all over your "CARD ALL WOMEN" rule.
have a great new year!
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is this a stupid question..is the instant coffee already liquified or is it put in, then dissolved? sounds yummy
you just said cookie, quilt, and the princess bride all in one sentence! you rock, buttercup!
yeah, i only want to visit ak, not live there. although for years, i felt differently.
zero humidity? k, i think i need to move!!!
thank you
i will, you too!
as you wish, lynette
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the instant coffee is dissolved IN the hot chocolate. making a pot just increases the "things to do" list,thus increasing the chances of becoming a "grumpy-pants."
Don't even want to go there.
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I agree with everything you just said! I especially like # 9!
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lol, thanks wendy!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
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